I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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