I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
