I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize