i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
