sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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