Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
