Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
