Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
