I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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