i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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