i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
