The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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