when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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