She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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