i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
