it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
