I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
