I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
