70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
