I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
