i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
