is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
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Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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