You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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