Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
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Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
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If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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