filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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