My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
