He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i love accidental penises.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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