plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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