I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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