did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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