Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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