im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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