I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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