i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
