you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
