woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Randomize
