Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
