he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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