You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
We just shotgunned beers for America
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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