Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
