Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
