His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
