So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
