her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Randomize
