Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He did a backflip because drugs
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
