My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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