There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
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