apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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