Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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