I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
