Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
