Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
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he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
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The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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