I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
