Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
