The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
