oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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