I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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