I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Randomize
